Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
