oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
