Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
