My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
