Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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