Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
