wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
Randomize
