I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
There's always time for handjobs
She swung at the pinata with crutches
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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