my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
