I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
