Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
