she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Never let your siblings swipe right.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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