i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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