Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
