So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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