What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sober January is a disaster.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
