there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He has the fingertips of a God
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