The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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