Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
