I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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