Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
