And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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