see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
