I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Randomize
