You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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