I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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