I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
