i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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