My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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