Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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