something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize