Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
