We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
