I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
