I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
