god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize