i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
