I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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