Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
