im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
