drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
