I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
