Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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