Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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