my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He kissed a someone with a penis
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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