3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
