Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
