He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
