Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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