i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Randomize
