I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
