I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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