Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
