When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
