I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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