so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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