I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
