I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
