Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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