she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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