my vag is so smooth its legendary
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
